Becoming A Single Parent
Apologies for my recent blogging hiatus. I hope the title of this post will give you an insight into why I haven't written for a while. A month ago I had to do the hardest thing of my life: split up with my partner, the father of my child. It's not something I ever wanted to happen. It's not how I planned life to be. The decision had taken me an awfully long time and a lot of heart ache to reach, but it had got to the point where it was necessary. I couldn't eat or sleep. I was anxious and confused and panicky and upset all the time. It wasn't that the time felt 'right', I just got to the point where I couldn't carry on any longer. I felt like Eric was starting to be affected by things at home, and that's where I had to draw the line. I tried many times over the years to try to fix things but it hadn't worked. I had prayed a lot for guidance. I had talked things through with a counsellor for over a year. I had cried to my closest friends. The decision was made based on all of our long-term happiness, even though I knew it would cost short-term pain. It's not anything my partner had done; he's a good friend, a great father and I care about him as a person, but ultimately we just aren't right for each other. He agreed to a trial separation, and the very night he left I felt calm and free. I think I knew that first night that the decision was final for me, though I had been unsure before and thought I was still open to trying to make it work. But it was too late. It's hard managing his emotions, as this was my choice, not his. I feel wretchedly guilty and upset for causing someone I care about so much, such a lot of pain. It's scary trying to sort out the practical side of things now I am on my own. But I am hopeful for the future. I sometimes feel sad for the happy times of the past, but most of the time I see that nothing can change our history or those good memories, I am just working towards a more positive future. I'd like to get to a point here we can be close friends and co-parents, and be as we were before but minus the couple relationship. Perhaps that's naïve. But I am hopeful. Human relationships are messy and love is inexplicable, but life will carry on regardless so I will try my best.